what would the critical path of the game be if dee was the protagonist???? hunt down your dickhole brother because he locked you in an abandoned vault you two were looting and left you to radroaches and ghouls like a coward?????
Okay, so a little ground work to set it all up. Frank was supposed to pay to get himself, Dee, and Dennis set up in a vault. He told them that he did to quit their bitching, but he was hedging his bets on there being no apocalypse. So he wanted to save his money. Of course, being the mogul that he was, there was always an open invitation under his name. Once it seemed like the apocalypse was rolling around Dee and Dennis were actually pretty excited to go live among the special chosen (wealthy and attractive) people in their new underground home, only to find out that their spots hadn’t been paid for.
So they seduce some old people and steal their invitations and identities. Mac, meanwhile had already been frozen in place of Frank, in a terrible Frank disguise, for about a month at that point. No one seemed to notice him missing. Charlie and Frank are hanging out in the bar when the first bombs land.
Fast forward 200 years and Dee, Dennis, and Mac all come out of hibernation. When they find their way to the bar, they find that it’s just about as run down as it always was, and Frank and Charlie are actually still there, only Frank is a Super Mutant and Charlie is a Ghoul. Well, to be more precise, Charlie is a bunch of Ghoul bits that’ve been sewn together in a sort of burlap sack. Frank carries him around like one of those baby carriers on his chest. Charlie has taken to having naps with his eyes wide and mouth gaping open, so for the first few hours back they assume he’s dead. It doesn’t help matters that Frank will sometimes carry around a bag of mannequin parts he calls “scab charlie” for when he loses the real one behind some furniture, or he gets carried off by rad roaches or something. He’ll also imagine conversations between himself and napping charlie or himself and scab charlie. He just walks around having one side of an argument, and nobody else can hear the second part.
So, the primary story idea is that Dennis is going around telling ladies that he’s Butcher Pete from the song. He’s under the mistaken belief that the song is about a casanova figure, like a “gardener” or a “pool boy”. Even though it’s OBVIOUSLY about a serial killer, he’s just completely blind to anything serial killer-esque. He tells the gang that this is his latest method for hooking up with girls, and that it’s working really well.
Dee calls bullshit and refuses to accept that any self-respecting wastelander woman would sleep with him after hearing that and goes off to prove it. Frank, and Charlie all come to the conclusion that “Yeah, Dennis could totally me one of those psycho lady killers.” Mac is on the fence and thinks it might just be the hook-up strategy that Dennis claims it to be. He briefly tries it out himself and gets beaten very badly by a scared survivor. She was actually desperate enough to hook up with him until he whipped out the line “I’m a famous cereal (he thinks it’s spelled that way) murderer.”
After that blows up in his face he throws his vote in with Frank and Charlie who believe the only way it could be working is if he was chopping up the ladies either before or after “the humping”. So they start plotting and setting up traps.
Dee, meanwhile, has been working the other angle and is telling guys that come into the bar that she’s “Janet the dick ripper” and that if they sleep with her, she won’t rip off their dicks. Her success rate is about 75% which actually sways her opinion on how stupid the strategy is.
She returns to the bar to find it littered with mannequins covered in meat posed all around the place. Frank explains “I figure the lady bits will get his attention, and the meat will get him all horned up and he’ll just start whackin’.”
“Dennis isn’t just going to ‘whack’ some dummy with a wig on. Even if he was a killer, and believe me, three days in the wasteland with him and I can tell you he’s just as much of a puss as he always was; he can tell the difference, okay? He’s an idiot but he’s not that stupid.”
Cut to Dee wearing a skirt steak skirt 10 minutes later. It helped that he promised to pay her with a collection of pre-war wigs and dresses.
“Okay, I know at first I was all ‘I’m definitely not gonna wear a meat skirt’ but honestly, Charlie, this is pretty nice.” “Ehh, what can I say? I’m passionate about my work.
“Okay, so how does this work? I assume you have a persona for me to assume? I lure him in and get him to confess before we intervene on his ass?” “Nah, nah, nah. If he gets a look at your face his dong’ll shrivel up like a prune. just let him get a look at your meaty ass and he’ll wanna take a bite. Then we get him.” “This sounds an awful lot like I get killed by this plan.” “Nah, nah, you’ll be perfectly safe, Deandra. He’ll get maybe one or two bites in, just so we can be sure, then we trap ‘im!”
Though, when she asks him to demonstrate how the traps work he hesitates and that immediately triggers a “God Damn it, Frank!” from her.
“This is just gonna straight up kill Dennis, isn’t it?” Which of course Frank denies up and down. But Charlie and Mac give it away by not looking her in the eye. She steps aside and finds the lever and a giant wall of spikes swings out to where she would have been standing, followed by a gout of flame from a grating they had her standing on, and a bag of rocks falling from the ceiling.
“See!? Ain’t it great! After that gets ‘im we jump out and go ‘Ha! Gotcha!….what? Why’re you all lookin’ at me like that? Hey, Mac wanted to wait until Denny was already eatin’ the chick or whatever. Pervert probably wants sloppy seconds!” “God damn it, Frank! I do not wan-” which is when Frank just got bored and swatted Mac onto his ass. “Okay, fair enough, I see your point”
“So…we’re not gonna eat the lady? I just wanna be clear.” “No, god damn it, Charlie, you are not going to eat ‘the lady’!” “Well I’m sorry! I’m just trying to keep track of who’s eating who! It’s getting very complicated. First Dennis is eating the lady, then Mac is tryin’a get in on it, and then Dee’s ripping dicks off and eating them, I’m just confused!” “I am not eating dicks!”
“Well duh, Dee, who’d want you to eat their dick? Am I right? High Fi-” to be fair, Frank gave him that high five.
Then Charlie shoots out of bed breathing heavily, having woken up from the Fallout dream. He goes to make a note in his dream journal about how old the can of cat food was. He turns to say goodnight to Frank, but instead it’s Scab Charlie wearing the meat skirt and a meat wig. He screams and shoots out of bed in the Fallout world. He turns to see Mac dry humping the waitress, who is a Ghoul and she says “turns out you’re NOT the last man on earth, after all.” So he screams and wakes up again as regular Charlie. Only he exists as a face sewn onto super mutant Frank’s butt. he goes through another series of screaming and waking up from dreams, meanwhile the rest of the gang is standing around watching him have this waking terrors from his bar stool.
“So you guys thought I was killing and eating women?” “Well, we figured you’s were humpin’ ‘em somewhere inbetween.” “Yeah, we weren’t really sure what order you were doing it in.” “Huh. crazy. Et, tu, Dee?” “Nah, but I tried that technique out on some dudes and it totally worked.” “Oh yeah, see? I told you guys. Though I do spy a missing tooth.” “Oh yeah, the last guy totally panicked and hit me with a tire iron. But three out of four ain’t bad.”
Panpacificpines 