Lists

In between working on longer fics I thought up this funny little idea. Of course that means I couldn’t sleep until I typed it up. I’ll proofread it later ^_^*

I hope you guys enjoy. 

Dipper was laying on his back on
the old suede couch in the Pines family’s Piedmont home. Mabel was laying on
the ground on her stomach, doodling away with some colored pencils as he went
over their homework for the day. Their parents always kept date night sacred on
Fridays, which meant that he and his sister generally had pizza or Chinese
takeout to themselves for the night. Though since both of their grades had
taken a hit the school year after the first summer in Gravity Falls, Dipper
always insisted that they do their homework together as much ahead of time as
possible. It helped that Mabel’s IEP allowed her to get her homework for the
entire school week the Friday before. She was a smart girl too, so she got to
share most of her classes with her certifiable genius brother. Thanks to that,
he too was able to stay ahead of the game on assignments.

He checked off another answer on
Mabel’s math homework and shuffled the sheet to the back of the pile. Part of
their weekly ritual was to make sure they didn’t have to think about school
over the weekend so they could actually let the stress out and it had been
working pretty well. He got to channel his obsessiveness into something useful
and that helped him specifically. Of course Mabel’s way of handling her anxiety
was ‘to art’ as she put it. Even if she hated the drawing, or sweater, or spoon
collage after it was done. She could always recycle a failed project into a new
one. Yarn didn’t stop being yarn, after all.

Her math assignment had been the
very last piece of homework for the week and they should have been about to
start movie night, but Dipper had one more ritual. He just couldn’t help
himself. Crushes were hard to put aside. They were even harder when the crushee
is basically solidified awesome wrapped in flannel.  And said hypothetical crushee might’ve given
him mixed signals a while back and totally reignited the infatuation he’d only
sorta kinda buried. Well, it’s been a couple years, and he only gets to see her
in person in the summers, and that whole junk with absence making the heart
grow fonder apparently has some credibility to it.

He knew just from the texture of
the notebook paper sticking out of the stack which sheet was next in line after
his sister’s homework. It was the list; his secret list. He looked over it
every week to make sure the information hadn’t become out of date or inaccurate.
Practically every solid data point he had on Wendy was on that sheet of paper. Her
birthday, her blood type (If she ever needed a transfusion, obviously), shoe size,
measurements (in case he wanted to get her clothes as a present, of course),
her class schedule in college, her phone number and address- And apparently a
drawing of Wendy as a fox and Dipper as a scared little bunny!

“Damn it, Mabel!”

“Huh? Did I get an answer wrong?”
Mabel perked up attentively. If she was a cat her ears would be pointing
right at him like satellite dishes. At the speed of thought Dipper wondered why
he’d had that mental image, until looking down and noticing that there was an indeed
a Mabel cat perching on his notes. She was gnawing on the column on the left
where he had the list of Wendy’s class schedule.

“I can’t believe you did this! ….Again!”

“Wha? –Oh, pfff, that. Finally
found it, huh?”

“I should say the same for you!
How do you keep finding these?! And why!?” He’d gone through three of these
lists in as many weeks. This being the forth week he’d hoped she’d quit, but no
luck there, apparently. Somehow Mabel had dug out the first one from in between
his Mattress and box spring, even if she claimed he’d left it on the floor. But
the second one was in all fairness his fault. He’d left it in the homework
stack when he handed Mabel her assignments back. Number three she claimed he
accidentally left it behind at lunch in the cafeteria and she’d rescued it for
him, though Dipper remembered it a bit differently.

At first it was mortifying,
knowing anyone had seen his notes. Someone who didn’t understand his need for
organization and charts probably would have thought he was a stalker. Of course
Mabel had made it very clear that she finds it both creepy and adorable. ‘Creepdorable’
was the term she’d coined for it. Since then he’d been vandalized over and over
by the cutesy little animal versions of Mabel, Dipper, Wendy, and their other
Gravity Falls friends. He had to admit they were cute. Well done, even. They
reminded him of the characters from that one movie, Animalopolis. A ‘Soos Goose’
had shown up, blushing at Dipper’s attentiveness to detail in the second one. ‘Baahcifica’
the sheep had scandalized him in last week’s copy of the notes, with a word
bubble asking if he’d like to sheer her too. Presumably after finishing up with
the Wendy Fox, who was licking her lips predatorily towards ‘Smol Bunny Boy
Dipper’ as Mabel called him. The Dipper bunny of course was cowering and
blushing while crossing his legs in an eerily familiar way. The art was cute,
no doubt. Even honestly kinda sexy if he was admitting anything to himself when
it came to the lady animals; but now was not the time for honesty. It was the
principle of the thing.

“What is it this time? Did you hack
my computer to look at my list of potential hiding spots?”
“Dipper-“
“Did you hire Waddles to spy on me with that creepy head mounted camera you got
him?”
“Dipper, I-“

“What Mabel? What? Why are you so
insistent on embarrassing me?”

“You done?” She raised an eyebrow
at him. He nodded, taking a breath.

“Duh-doi, dinglebutt. You always put that sheet in the stack
last. It’s always out of the same notebook and the paper looks different.  What kinda diabolical mastermind do you take
me for?” He shrugged.

“A modest one?”

“Well, brother dear. I thought you could use some help. If
you’re gonna stalk your lady love all proper like, you should probably get your
info right.” She scooted closer so she could point at the note sheet. “You
might notice that I’ve corrected some of your figures for once.”
“Yeah, what’s up with that? I double checked pretty much all of this.”
“Just because you make the same mistake twice doesn’t make it the right answer”
Mabel quoted, in her best Dipper impression. “The shoe size, for one, was
wrong.”
“What?” Dipper did a double take. “No, I know for a fact that one’s right!”

“Pff. In men’s sizes, dorkus-malorkus. It might’ve escaped
you that Wendy’s a lady. Lemme guess, you looked at the tag inside her boots
and wrote that down?” Dipper looked away from her eyes and grunted a sound of
agreement.

“Those things are hand-me-downs from when her dad was still
human sized. Those things last forever, and Corduroys are all about saving
stuff for later. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dan tried to pass down her training
bras to the boys.” Mabel smiled when Dipper spluttered, clearly trying to imagine
the boys in frilly, strappy little numbers. “Yeah, and speaking of which, the
bra size? I don’t know how you figured that one, but no.”
“No?” His expression had become puppy like. He was actually kind of proudshamed
of how he’d gotten that piece of information.

“No. Though you might be happy to know you were wrong in the
wrong direction.”
“Huh?” 

Mabel groaned at his slack jawed expression. 

“Ugh. You guestimated her boobs too small, bro. She’s a 34C.
Or at least she was as of Wednesday morning when I asked her.”

“What!?” He shrieked. “You asked Wendy about her-her boobs!?”

“Yes Dipper. I asked my lady friend about her over the
shoulder boulder holders. It’s no big deal, bro. I checked on some of the other
things too. ‘you’ll find my corrections in red’” She again quoted, smiling as
he pocketed his red sharpie and grimaced.

“You can thank me, you know” She chided, elbowing him in the
leg. “If you ever actually plan on making a move again, you’ll want to have the
right stats, I assume.” Dipper looked down into the middle distance and shifted
in his seat.

“Thanks, Mabel. I guess…It’s weird though.”
“Yeah, but I don’t judge your quirks, broham. It’s cute.” Dipper flushed under
the sudden wave of ‘not getting teased’ and he shrunk down a bit, trying to
think of something nice to say in return.

“Well, the drawings are really cute too. I mean, it’s just
hard to take stuff seriously when you drew Wendy Fox biting Bunny Dipper’s butt
with a word bubble saying ‘Lemme get summa dat tail!’” He smirked.

“Pfft. No way, man. That makes it all the way better. Also
these characters are the best. She’s a total fox anyway-“ Mabel paused to
waggle her eyebrows suggestively at her brother before continuing. “-and these
things just write themselves! I’m putting them all over my blog. Check
it out.” She turned her book over to Dipper and he had to outright giggle
at the imagery of Robbie and Tambry as raccoons digging through someone’s
garbage for discarded eyeliner. The next page showed him what Mabel’s animal forms
for Grenda and Candy were. Candy was a little squirrel riding around on Grenda
the Moose’s antlers. That one felt historical. Another image of ‘Baahcifica’
this time in lacy purple lingerie greeted him on the following page. He made a
note of it so he could borrow the sketch book later.

“Oh yeah. I got you starin’. You got a little chub goin’ on
for the sheepie?” Mabel teased, poking him in the belly with both hands while
he flailed, trying in vain to defend himself and hang onto the sketchbook at
the same time. Eventually Mabel just relented on her own, choosing to plop down
next to him while he flipped the next few pages.  Ford being an owl really didn’t surprise him
at all, but Grunkle Stan the Bear on a unicycle and playing with a paddleball
honestly left him flabbergasted. He paused for some time, trying to puzzle out
what about him being a panda, of all bears, made sense. Somehow it just did.

“Oh man, yeah, if you like that one, lemme show you this
one, it’s hilarious.” Mabel grabbed the book from him and flipped a few more
pages, holding it in front of him rather than handing it over. She was right to
do so when Dipper flailed after he understood what he was looking at. On the
page was Kitty Cat Mabel pulling up her sweater for Bunny Boy Dipper, revealing
6 little kitty nipples. Dipper’s response in anthropomorphic cartoon form mirrored
his real life reaction fairly accurately.

“Mabel! Wh-why would you show me that!?” Dipper shrieked,
unable to lower the timbre of his voice to something more ‘manly’ in time. Once
Mabel’s guffaw was under control she wiped an imaginary tear away from each eye
before responding.

“Oh man, I was right about that being funny. Why’re you so
upset, bro’o’mine? Does it embarrass you? Jeeze, man, they’re just kitty nips.
Nippens? Kittles? Kitnips.” 

He stammered, attempting to respond, looking from her face
to the drawing and back again.

“B-but still! It’s the- I dunno, the imagery! Look! Even
little Bunny me knows it’s unfair!” Her smile becomes downright wicked.

“Ooh, interesting word choice. What’s unfair about it,
bro-bro? Is it the whole ‘girl nips are seen as sexual and boy nips aren’t’
thing?” She paused, but not long enough to let him use her suggestion as an escape from
his poor wording. “Or are you saying-“ She leaned in close “-that you wanna see
the real thing, and it’s unfair that you can’t?”

Dipper’s mouth opened and closed a few times, though he
couldn’t find a word to let out. It felt like her eyes were burning holes
deeper and deeper into him the longer it took for him to answer.

“O-of c-course not!” he blurted out. “I gotta go to the
bathroom! Homework’s done. Don’t feel well!” He snatched up his note sheet and
bolted up the stairs. It wasn’t his smoothest exit ever. Adding onto his word
vomit, he slipped on the first few steps leading upstairs and had to try at it
again.

He did indeed hide in the bathroom for a while. He had to
leave eventually though, and it was either go downstairs with Mabel and start
their Friday night movie there, or sit in his room and just watch it on his own
TV. It’s not like they’d never argued or accidentally humiliated each other
before. If one or the other started watching without the first the other knew
to drop whatever was bugging them and just come in at some point to watch with
their sibling. If the burden was too great they’d just spend the evening apart
and catch up again in the morning. So Dipper did exactly that. He flipped the
input on his TV to HDMI1 and waited for his computer monitor to blink while the
two connected. Then he just dragged the movie file over to the bigger screen
and hit play.

A short while later once the intro music had hit its
crescendo and the hero of the film had exited the limo, there was a sound just
outside his door. His instincts seemed correct when his sister quietly opened
the door inward, rapping her knuckles on it as she did. Then she closed it
behind herself and waited just inside the door, waiting for him to meet her
eyes.

“You…want me to start it over?” He moused over to the tv
screen and paused. “It’s only like two minutes in.”

“You didn’t answer my question, Dip.” She commented, her
tone blank.

“Sorry, I didn’t-didn’t hear you ask one?” the question drifted
off as she slunk towards him, slipping her hand underneath the bottom of her
shirt. Maintaining eye contact, she began slowly pulling it up. “You
never said if you wanted to see or not.” Up came the shirt just a bit more. He
stared at the gap between the top of her skirt and waist of her t-shirt. The
skin of her belly was prickled with goosebumps, just as he imagined his entire
body must be. He could even see the waistband of her panties like that.

He had no idea how long he was staring wordlessly for, but
he knew she’d taken note of his reaction when he dared to meet her eye again.
He just sat there slack-jawed while she stepped even closer, biting her lower
lip and staring down at his body for a moment. When he crossed his legs the
serpent-like evil grin that only he seemed aware that she was capable of slid
across her face. He inhaled and attempted to speak. Apparently it was time for
honesty just then, because he realized he didn’t want her to stop; but he also
definitely couldn’t express that out loud. Apparently he didn’t need to as she
slid the shirt just a bit higher.

Then, suddenly, she pulled the bottom of the fabric up to her chin,
exposing her chest to Dipper and clearly savored watching him squirm in his
seat. She wasn’t wearing a bra, but she was wearing six bandaid Xs on her
chest, ribs, and upper belly, mimicking the drawing she’d shown him earlier.

“Hah. The look on your face. Did you really think I’d show
you my jubblies, Dip? Without even being asked? Pfft. As if.” She snatched a
box of tissues from a nearby shelf and tossed it to him. “Have fun with that
thought, my favorite sibling. I’m heading to bed. Goodnight, Little Bunny
Dipper.” Once she was gone he felt like either this was an exceptionally
elaborate plot for revenge for something he’d done, or that puberty had finally
rendered him insane. He could have sworn that she purred those words too.

As he often did when he was alone with his thoughts and
unable to resolve them, he talked to himself.

“I’d ask what the hell is wrong with me, but, well, it uh…yeah,
seems kinda obvious.” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “But is she teasing
me, or is she teasing me? …Damn. I
need to make a list.”